Read I Suck at Girls by Justin Halpern Online

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"Growing up, every time I saw a men's magazine cover that had a headline about '73 Ways to Please Your Girlfriend', all I could think was 'I'm good with one; just tell me one way to please her. Also, I don't have a girlfriend. Is there an article about that?'"Soon after Sh*t My Dad Says began to take off, comic writer Justin Halpern decided to propose to his then girlfrien"Growing up, every time I saw a men's magazine cover that had a headline about '73 Ways to Please Your Girlfriend', all I could think was 'I'm good with one; just tell me one way to please her. Also, I don't have a girlfriend. Is there an article about that?'"Soon after Sh*t My Dad Says began to take off, comic writer Justin Halpern decided to propose to his then girlfriend. But before doing so, he asked his dad's advice, which was very, very simple (and surprisingly clean): "Just take a day to think about it." This book is that day. Crossing the warmth of The Wonder Years with the candour and observational humour of David Sedaris, this follow-up to the hottest comedy debut of last year is a hilarious, toe-curlingly true book about life, and love....

Title : I Suck at Girls
Author :
Rating :
ISBN : 9780062123749
Format Type : Audiobook
Number of Pages : 192 Pages
Status : Available For Download
Last checked : 21 Minutes ago!

I Suck at Girls Reviews

  • Anne
    2019-02-20 08:38

    I haven't read Sh*t My Dad Says yet, so I have yet to decide for myself if that one is funnier than this. However, my 16 year old son read this one and loved it, begged me to get Halpern's first book, and then said it was boring & DNF'd it.I'm thinking that may be because no matter what age a guy is, he can relate to girls and the suckage that follows in their wake.Sorry, fellas...If it makes you fellas feel better, we ladies have just as hard a time trying to figure out what the hell to do about men. You're complex creatures, and we spend a lot of time trying to decipher the subtle clues you leave us. Really.Ok, maybe not...Yeah. Anyway. This book had several things going for it, and one of them was that it was short.And I mean that in the very best sense! Sometimes authors who are writing humorous books based on their own experiences tend to get too in depth, too wordy. I don't pick up stuff like this to learn about every facet of some dude's life, I just want a few laughs at the expense of another human being.And that's what you get with this one. A condensed version of his life, highlighting the moments that helped define his relationships with women. From his first (very iffy) anatomy lesson from a childhood pal: That's where you stick your dick. They pee out of that, and sometimes shit out of it if their butt's clogged.To his first time stealing porn from hobos: There, hightailing it out of the canyon, came two bearded homeless men, each of whom looked like Nick Nolte rendered in beef jerky. I had never seen homeless guys move so fast and with such a sense of purpose.To his dad's talk on masturbation: But there's two things I need you to know: one, I'm going to be doing the laundry for the next few months because your mom's studying for the bar exam: and two, I'll be goddamned if I'm gonna reach down into the laundry basket and pick up a towel that's crunchy like a fucking Dorito 'cause you did you did your business in it, okay?I'm not sure if this will be anyone else's cuppa, but I thought the majority of it was very relatable and quite funny. I've been having a hard time sitting down lately and reading anything without pictures, but this was pretty easy to get into and enjoy.

  • Kelly (and the Book Boar)
    2019-02-17 03:53

    Find all of my reviews at: http://52bookminimum.blogspot.com/I Suck At Girls is Justin Halpern's sophomore novel, and the inspiration behind the short-lived television show Surviving Jack. I began watching said T.V. show for one reason . . . According to my family we all wanted to watch it because the commercials were so funny and made the show look entertaining, but . . . nope. I just wanted to spend 30 minutes looking at Christopher Meloni.Turns out the show was pretty funny too . . .It's a shame it got cancelled so soon. RIP Surviving Jack, you will be missed . . .Unless you reside under a rock, you have heard of Sh*t My Dad Says at this point. (I'd link you to all the profound things I had to say about that one, but sadly I read it before I started reviewing.) I think Halpern sums up SMDS quite well without me:"Getting a book deal and a TV show based on less than five hundred total words is a level of luck reserved for people who survive plan crashes or find out they're Oprah's long-lost sister."Sh*t My Dad Says made for a great twitter account and website, but it just didn't have enough material to carry over into a book. When Surviving Jack came on the air, I figured it was just a revamped SMDS - Halpern did get his start as a T.V. writer, after all. It turns out I was wrong and Jack was actually based on this little book instead.I Suck At Girls is Halpern's walk down memory lane through all of his failed relationships until he finally found "the one." He tells tales of his first crush - and how he drew her a picture of a dog shitting all over her face to profess his love; his first brush with pornographic magazines - which he stole from a homeless camp in the canyons of California where he was chased by bums yelling "gimme back my titties!!!"; of his first kiss after his high school homecoming dance:"In the back of a taxi cab driven by a guy who looked like Ernest Hemingway with a meth addiction, with Snow's "Informer" playing on the radio . . ."He talks about finally growing a set big enough to profess to the girl of his dreams that he wanted to ask her to the prom, but feared she would say no - only to have her confirm those fears; of traveling all the way to Europe in order to finally party and nail some broads - where his stomach revolted on him and became "filled with too much poo poo and fart" according to the non-English speaking doctor; to his first time and fantasies about a 45-minute romp filled with multiple orgasms for his partner - that resulted in a reality of a 1 minute 36 second session instead; and finally to stories about his wife and the first party he attended at her apartment - where she had to barricade the door while he had an epic bout with diarrhea . . . This book was everything I was looking for to wrap up my year of reading. It was short, it was funny, it was sometimes sweet, and Halpern is a connoisseur of profanity, which I always appreciate. (Also note, most of the chapters are told from the perspective of a teenaged boy so it's also chauvinistic and raunchy and everything else I love about comedies.) Halpern married the only girl he'd ever "gone stupid for" and this is a hilarious tribute to their love.Halpern you got me at the right place and the right time so you get all the stars. Happy Fucking New Year. Find me on the flip side where I'll be back to my curmudgeony self . . .

  • Jason Koivu
    2019-02-04 04:50

    I actually enjoyed this more than Justin Halpern's famous Shit My Dad Says. Probably I took to it because it speaks to me on a personal level. I was an unfortunate participant in my own version of so many of the embarrassing moments of adolescence described herein. Also, it has a lot of bathroom/locker room humor and part of my brain is still 13.The book takes you from lil' Justin's first revelations on the concept of sex right up to his proposal of marriage. It felt like more of an autobio than Shit My Dad Says, but you still get quite a few pearls of wisdom from dear old dad:“Life is fucking long, especially if you're stupid.”“...human beings fear the unknown. So, whatever's freaking you out, grab it by the balls and say hello.” “Most people are stupid. Nothing seems like a mistake until it’s a mistake. You stand in front of an electric fence and whip your dick out to take a piss on it, it’s pretty clear you’re about to make a mistake. Other than that, you pretty much have no way of knowing.”What really brought this one to life for me were the little everyday interludes:Eventually my dad got home from work and set his briefcase down."So. How was practice?' he asked."It was good. Why? Did you hear it wasn't?" I said, trying to keep my cool."Son, no offense, but you play Little League. It's not the Yankees. I don't get daily reports about who's hitting the shit out of the ball.” After reading and not being as blown away by Shit My Dad Says as everyone told me I would be, I thought I was done with Halpern's work. However, I read this because it was available and I needed a laugh at the moment, and the upshot is that I enjoyed it so much I'm quite willing to seek out his next offering.

  • Kelli
    2019-02-20 02:48

    Justin Halpern may suck at girls but one thing he does not suck at is choosing a good narrator. The narration here was superb, from the crotchety dad (the undisputed funniest part of the book) to the numerous Saturday Night Live skit-worthy girl voices. High comedy! But without question the best achievement was getting that perfect incredulous tone every time Justin said "What?" The number of times someone said something so out of left field, confusing, or totally inappropriate to Justin throughout these stories is borderline shocking but it's that endearing, honest "what?" that ratchets up the humor and presents the author as a relatable. Sh*t My Dad Says was much funnier but this one still had some laugh out loud moments. I will end with this quote, which was the dad's response when his son asked him what to do when something freaks him out:"Is this about that Arachnophobia movie again? I told you, a spider that large could not sustain itself in an urban environment. The ecosystem is too delicate...not fucking plausible." That about sums up the relationship between the brilliant, profanity-loving father and son. 3 stars

  • Matthew
    2019-01-22 08:53

    This book is crass but hits close to that cynical home in most boys hearts. I listened to it - which I recommend you do at 1.5x as it made the voices the narrator did much better.I laughed out loud - nearby motorists probably thought I was crazy. I didn't want to get out of the car when I got home or to work. Because of that, 5 stars all the way!

  • John
    2019-02-07 02:34

    Warning: before you pick up Justin Halpern's I Suck at Girls to read for the first time, be sure to set your coffee down. Failure to do so may result in some spilled beverage all over the book pages or your Kindle.You know, it really hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose...Without dropping any spoilers, the author dedicates his newest book to Amanda, and it quickly becomes clear in the first chapter that she was his focus. Early on we find that he has decided to propose to her, so he goes to that one particular person who he knows will tell him, direct and to the point, what he thinks: his dad, Sam. Amanda wants to talk to him, and Justin isn't sure what to do. He wants his dad to shoot straight with him, though his father has a frequent habit of going slightly off topic, as found in this sage advice:"Human beings do dumb sh*t. You do dumb sh*t. She does dumb sh*t. Everyone does dumb sh*t. Then, every once in a while, we have a moment where we don't do dumb sh*t, and then we throw a goddamned parade and we forget all the dumb sh*t we did. So what I'm saying to you is, don't do something, or not do something, to punish someone because you think they did something dumb. Do what you want to do, because it's what you want to do. Also, bring me a grapefruit from the kitchen and some salt and pepper."First time readers may be jolted with the frequently profane dialogue issued forth by Justin's eloquent father, who has his own way of expressing himself. Readers of Halpern's earlier book, Sh*t My Dad Says, will not find this surprising in the least. And fans of this earlier work will not be disappointed with Justin's odyssey.Unsurprisingly, his father doesn't mince words in the least, and this book is a collection of some of those lessons learned in his quest to learn better in his dealings with the females of the species. And some of these are personal reflections, such as this:"Eventually, though, I came to the conclusion that I was the male equivalent of a Toyota Camry. You know: No one ever says, `I have to have a Toyota Camry.' But most people who spend some time in a Camry start to like it. `It's pretty reliable,' they think. `It doesn't have a lot of problems, and it's not bad to look at. You know what? I'd probably prefer a nicer car. But I can live with a Camry.'"Like many, this reader first became aware of the frequently expletive-laden comments issued by Justin's expressive father from his Twitter feed a few years ago. The author had been recording his father's voluble gems there, and in a little over a year he had over two million following those irreverent, other hilarious and sometimes thought-provoking words of his father. This of course resulted in his first book, published in 2010, which hit the New York Times Best Seller list for hardcover nonfiction, enduring at #1 for eleven weeks. It stayed on the bestseller list for almost a year.This book is filled with similar moments to Halpern's first one, and the descriptions of some of his adventures left me laughing openly. Again no spoilers, but look for the chapter in which he describes in finding a stash of hidden adult magazines, grabbing them and being pursued by "two bearded homeless men, each of whom looked like Nick Nolte rendered in beef jerky." That description was enough to get me laughing, but the narrative of what follows with his father is even better, and it did provoke even more open laughter.His encounter with Sarah, with the accompaniment of a rented video copy of "A Few Good Men" is a classic. It's one that many males can reflectively empathize with, and that chapter alone is worth the price of this book.The language found in both of Halpern's books might be distasteful to some readers, but in this one there's some real heart in the advice that Justin's father offers his son. It may not be the type of obscenities that many of us would interject our own advice to our kids, but this parent can say that upon occasion I thought of some of them.As his dad says: "Any idiot can get lucky once. Takes a special idiot to get lucky twice."There is wisdom in that parental admonition, and that's what makes this 5-star read so good. See for yourself - you won't be disappointed.Note: Portions of this review originally appeared on Amazon.com in a censored version, as the term "sh*t" is not allowed on that site, even in reference to the title of Justin Halpern's earlier book, Sh*t My Dad Says, due to their guidelines regarding objectionable content. 5/29/2012

  • ☮Karen
    2019-02-03 00:38

    I guess I must rather enjoy sophomoric humor of this nature, sometimes, as I was laughing hysterically at many of the lines. The one about when one door closes, another opens, almost gave my husband a fit.So yes, this is reeeeally funny, and the many voices of the talented audio narrator adds a lot as well. The father sounds very curmudgeonly, one of his Little League pals sounds like Eric Cartman, and the teenage girl voices are all amusing, with some sounding like Jimmy Fallon's "Ew" girl. Very entertaining.It's Justin's personal remembrances of growing up not really understanding girls and not succeeding with girls, despite the very astute advice of his dad. This is the same dad from The Sh*t My Dad Says. From the age of 7 (when Justin learns how not to woo a girl with a handmade drawing) all the way to when he becomes engaged, his dad and his irreverent, but not irrelevant, advice guide him along.Recommended for a short break from today's world, for those not offended by cussing and teenagers acting out.

  • Barbara
    2019-02-15 00:38

    3.5 stars Justin Halpern's book 'Sh*t My Dad Says' is very funny, so when this memoir was recommended on Goodreads I decided to listen to the audio version. Halpern's anecdotes about incidents in his life - ranging from childhood through early adulthood - are very entertaining. Justin's dad again contributes some priceless bon mots, but most of the yarns focus on the author himself.I'll give some examples of stories in the book.Nine-year-old Justin, hearing about sex from a friend, gets worried about his wedding night. Eager to consult his mom about this troubling issue, Justin picks the lock on his parents' closed bedroom door..... and what do you think he sees? Good opportunity for Justin's dad to teach him the word 'ironic.' Young Justin and his Little League teammate find a stash of porn near the ball field and plan to steal it. Their codeword, in case the coach is spotted, is 'my dog peed in the house.' Of course the coach comes right over and Justin - wanting to warn his porn-hiding friend - hysterically yells 'my dog peed in the house.....my dog peed in house.' The coach must have thought Justin was nuts.After high school Justin goes on a jaunt to Europe with his friend Ryan, hoping to meet girls and have sex. In a Florence hostel, Justin and Ryan pal up with a young Asian man, 'Vietnam Joe.' Joe's English vocabulary is very limited. Food is either 'large delicious', 'delicious', or 'not delicious'; temperatures are either 'large hot' or 'not hot.' Joe's one complete sentence is 'Second-year guard Ray Allen has a silky smooth NBA ready game'.....cribbed from a basketball card. Still, Joe is the first of the group to meet a girl and go off with her. (Maybe she was a basketball fan. LOL)Eventually, Justin and Ryan arrive at the 'party island' of Ibiza. The boys ask a party promoter about 'the hottest party in Ibiza'.....and are told they can't handle it. The boys are also warned off 'the second hottest party' on the island. Frustrated, Ryan finally says 'Just tell us about a party that's appropriately hot for us!' This made me laugh.Overdoing the partying in Ibiza, Justin gets a terrible stomach ache and has to go to an emergency room in Spain. The doctor, not fluent in English, points to two dark spots on Justin's x-ray and says "Your stomach is very mad. It do not work." The doctor then says a few words to the nurse who adds "Too much poo poo and fart." Ryan thinks this is the most awesome diagnosis he ever heard.....and I have to agree. (Justin got meds for the constipation and gas, and all was well.)In other anecdotes Justin talks about working at Hooters Restaurant, losing his virginity, dating a hot girl that's out of his league, and - by the end of the book - proposing to his girlfriend. The book is all good fun, recommended to readers who like humorous memoirs.You can follow my reviews at http://reviewsbybarbsaffer.blogspot.com/

  • Bonnie
    2019-02-18 08:56

    After loving the random tweets from Justin Halpern I was ecstatic to read his debut full-length novel. Sh*t My Dad Says was absolutely hilarious and had me laughing profusely. Clearly, I was on board for anything else this man came out with.Unfortunately it was a pretty huge disappointment as far as what I was anticipating. I Suck at Girls chronicles the authors bad experiences with girls which dates back to his early childhood. Obviously the intention of these stories is humor; however, I ended up feeling sorry for the poor guy more than anything. His first crush gets him in trouble after he spends all night drawing her one seriously disturbing picture, his dream prom ends up being a nightmare, he doesn't lose his virginity until he's 20, the first two people he slept with ended up leaving town shortly after... the list goes on. We see a lot less of 'dad' in this one and he was definitely the highlight of the story. Considering I can count the number of times I laughed out loud on a single hand (and they were only short chuckles at that) and the fact that the writing itself was less than mediocre and the humor felt forced this one does not receive high marks from me.

  • Deb
    2019-02-19 04:46

    **But he doesn’t suck at writing.**Perhaps Justin Halpern may have sucked at girls, but he certainly does not suck at writing. Just as was the case with his first book _Sh*t My Dad Says_, Justin’s writing is laugh-out-loud funny and underneath-it-all touching. After dating his fiancé Amanda for four years, Justin decides to propose to her. He enthusiastically shares his big news with his father who (in typical Halpern dad fashion) responds with: “I don’t know what you want from me. I’m happy for you and Amanda, and I like you both very much, but it’s not a surprise. You’ve been dating her for four years. It isn’t like you found a parallel f***g universe.” (p. 5)His father follows this response with some advice:“So I’ll tell you what I did right before I asked your mother to marry me: I took a day and I sat and I thought about all the things I had learned about myself, and about women, up to that point in my life. Just sat and thought. I may have smoked marijuana as well.” (p. 9) Justin decides to follow in his father’s approach (save for the marijuana part) to evaluate his readiness for his big decision:“I spent the entire day doing just as my dad suggested: thinking as far back as I could remember and replaying every moment that had ever taught me anything about women and myself, from the awkwardness of childhood to the tribulations of adolescence and early manhood, in hopes that, before the day was done, I would know that the decision I was about to make was, at the very least, an educated guess.” (p. 10)During his day of introspection, Justin makes several self-discoveries including: “I came to the conclusion that I was the male equivalent of a Toyota Camry. You know: no one ever says, ‘I *have* to *have* a Toyota Camry.’ But most people who spend some time in a Camry start to like it. ‘It’s pretty reliable,” they think. ‘It doesn’t have a lot of problems, and it’s not bad to look at. You know what? I’d probably prefer a nicer car. But I can live with a Camry.’” (p. 127)He’s also able to arrive at a place where he feels confident about his decision to propose: “Asking Amanda to marry me would be one of the biggest, boldest moves of my life—a huge leap for an awkward teen who spent Friday nights watching ‘80s action movies instead of going to parties, for a Little Leaguer who buried armfuls of porno in his backyard in an insane quest to see his first naked woman. I sucked at girls. I had always sucked at girls. But now I was about to not suck, and it made all the pathetic moments of my past feel like trifles I could laugh at, like bits in a blooper reel at the end of a movie. I couldn’t wait to ask her to marry me and take that ring out of the box and slide it on her finger.” (p. 175)If you want a book that’ll make you laugh, make you think, and touch you along the way, making the decision to read _I Suck At Girls_ (like Justin’s decision to propose to Amanda) will be at least an educated guess. My guess is that the book will suck you in from the start, and keep you engaged and committed until the end.

  • Natalie Monroe
    2019-01-30 06:32

    "'When you're sweet on a woman, you do crazy shit. It happens. You ain't used to feeling that way about somebody.''I feel that way sometimes about Mom,' I said. 'What? No, you don't. Jesus, that's the creepiest goddamn thing you've ever said to me.'I read that little tidbit on the subway and snorted so loud I alarmed my neighbors. I'm sure by the time I got off, half of them were convinced I was watching porn (because when I wasn't laughing, I was grinning like a deranged clown) or suffering from a congested nose.Yeah, I'm that person in the train.I Suck At Girls is the second installment of Justin Halpern's series that basically spells out the weird and hilarious shit his dad says. That last one was just random events pieced together, and this one lists all the interactions Halpern has had with girls over the years, from drawing an offensive picture to the girl he likes in second grade to dropping a load in the house of the girl he likes in his twenties. If you haven't read the first book Sh*t My Dad Says, that's cool because you don't need any prior knowledge. Just a comfy chair, preferably in a place with soundproof walls, and a drink that doesn't stain because you'll be guffawing a lot. If I had to describe Justin, I'd say he's a grown-up version of Greg from Diary of a Wimpy Kid. Geeky, timid, and a little neurotic. Anyways, he's planning on proposing to his girlfriend and before doing so, he mulls over all he knows about women—complete with advice from his dad:"You find a woman that'll screw you with your mom next door, you run the fuck the other way."Unfortunately, unlike the first book, Justin's dad isn't in every chapter. In Justin's years in LA, he hardly appears at all. Now that Justin alone isn't funny, but I live for lines like this: "First and foremost, I'm a scientist. And as a scientist, I can't help but think about things critically. Sometimes it can be a curse. What I wouldn't give every once in a while to be a blithering idiot skipping through life with shit in my pants like it's a goddamned party."Personally, I think Shit My Dad Says is better in this aspect because Justin's dad is in every chapter, but this book has more of an agenda. So recommended, but not as much as Shit My Dad Says. That's my go-to book whenever I'm in the dumps. Nothing like a man who says, “Don't touch that knife. YOU never need to be holding a knife... I don't give a shit, learn how to butter stuff with a spoon,” to put a smile on my face.

  • Shay
    2019-02-11 08:27

    Basically, this book is about Halpern's (mostly non-existent or solo) love life from his teen years through proposing to his girlfriend. In his first book, Sh*t My Dad Says , his father was the star. The guy with the best and funniest lines. The same is true in I Suck at Girls- he's clearly riding on dad's coat tails.Like many wives, I'm always trying to get my husband to read more. That's the reason I bought Halpern's first book. It seemed like such a "guy" book. The same is true of this book which features stealing pornography from the homeless, masturbation, and diarrhea. But, of course, I ended up reading Sh*t My Dad Says- if only to be able to have a book discussion with my husband. I was surprised at how much I liked it. Listening to his father was almost like having a visit with my late grandfather- who also had no filter and no off switch between his brain and mouth. (But in a funny, charming way.) I liked the first book so much that I got I Suck at Girls for me. I'll let my husband read it now that I'm done with it. Yes, this is a funny book. There were several LOL moments- not an exaggeration. I was giggling in the library while reading this. (While my son was getting some tutoring.) There were many more moments that had me smiling. But, to me, one of the things I like best is how vulnerable the author allows himself to be. That he's not afraid of looking bad, silly, insecure. And also, that no matter what his father says or how he says it- these two clearly love each other and that shows in this book and is very touching. Maybe that's why so many women- including me- really like these books despite the potty humor and masturbation jokes. Recommended for: Everyone, but especially husbands/boyfriends who don't read. It's short- under 200 pages and funny. Unless your husband/boyfriend has major daddy issues that will send him drunk dialing dad and leaving you to handle the fallout (emotional or otherwise).

  • Medeia Sharif
    2019-02-20 03:49

    In I SUCK AT GIRLS, Halpern details childhood and adulthood incidents with the opposite sex. As the title promises, there’s plenty of awkwardness, some of it sweet since the author finds the love of his life. I was also glad to see Halpern’s father in the book, with his foul mouth and words of wisdom. It’s a hilarious read and I loved it just as much as Halpern’s first book, SH*T MY DAD SAYS. The saying “truth is stranger than fiction” can be applied to Halpern's work.

  • Jo Ann
    2019-01-28 03:50

    Not quite as humorous as Halpern's first memoir. This one focuses on Justin's love life or lack of one. It's a little on the juvenile side, but still a funny light hearted read. Just wish there had been more of his father's outrageously raw words of wisdom.

  • Holly
    2019-02-14 04:36

    I really enjoyed Justin Halpern's first book S*it My Dad Says and found the humor in that book the be witty, direct and, although very cutting, often very insightful. So, I was eager to read this one. In this book, the author has recently decided to propose to his girlfriend. Having told no one of this plan, he goes to the one person who he knows will tell him, directly, what he thinks. His father doesn't skip a beat, tells him to wait a day and spend that time reflecting on everything he's learned about women. Halpern does just that and this book is a collection of some of those lessons.Like Sh*t My Dad Says, this book I Suck At Girls was filled with some of the same moments that made me laugh really hard. The passage where Halpern describes in finding a homeless man's stash of Playboys, burying them and then getting caught digging them up in the middle of the night made me laugh to the point of tears. The whole chapter is one big comedy of errors.Books that make you laugh are hard to beat. Books that make you reflect on the craziness of youth and realize that it is survivable (with the right guidance) are of value to me as I work my way through raising two teenagers of my own. Books that give you wisdom to walk away and think about should never be underestimated. This book does all three. While the language in both of Halpern's books may be offensive to some readers, I had no issue with setting that aside and looking to the real heart and love that is included in the messages that Halpern's father offers his son. He is a wise man who, while funny and forthright, really wants the best for his son. While I might not lace the obscenities into all of my own lectures to my kids I can guarantee you that I am, at the very least, sometimes "thinking" them. I seriously doubt that my two kids think I am nearly as funny as I find both Justin Halpern and his father.This is a good read when you need a laugh.

  • Michael
    2019-02-20 06:39

    When Justin Halpern decides the time has come to propose to his girlfriend, Amanda, he takes his father to lunch to discuss the decision and look for some fatherly wisdom and/or advice. For most of us, this would be fairly normal. But Justin's dad is the dad from S*** My Dad Says. After his father points out that the news shouldn't be a surprise to anyone, he then challenges Justin to take a moment and reflect on his various relationships with women before he makes the momentous move. Justin takes that advice, the result of which is this book.I'll have to admit that S*** My Dad Says wore out its welcome rather quickly for me. It was amusing, but it felt like Halpern was stretching at times to achieve the short page count for that novel. Unfortunately, I Suck at Girls is guilty of the same thing, even if some of the stories and incidents in here are laugh out loud funny (the incident of finding a homeless man's porn is a riot). Like many males, Halpern struggled trying to figure out women, all before finding the one that's right for him. If you've had that struggle, you'll identify with a lot of the anecdotes in this volume. The funniest moments come courtesy of Halpern's father who doesn't quite understand his son.Clocking in at just under 200 pages, this is a quick, funny read that when it works, it works. But there are still moments I felt like Halpern was marking time or trying to achieve a page count.

  • Megan
    2019-01-26 07:48

    With some funny moments that got me to chuckle aloud - in public, even - some well-learned (if not terribly profound) insights, and his father's trademarked style of expression, this book has a lot to offer. I'd rate it higher if there was more of it. I finished it in under 2 hours, and it seems like Halpern is intelligent and contemplative enough to come up with more than this. Certainly, he could have told us more about his relationship with Amanda, the woman at whom he finally, apparently, does not suck. If he couldn't flush it out with more of his own experiences, what about his brothers, his parents, some friends? I guess I was just enjoying it well enough to wish he had done more.

  • Natalie
    2019-02-18 07:50

    I'm pretty sure anyone passing by me in the car while listening to this thinks there is something wrong with me. So damn funny.

  • Krissy
    2019-02-03 05:39

    Hilarious! I enjoyed this only slightly less than Sh*t My Dad Says.

  • Angelc
    2019-02-07 08:40

    You may have heard of another book by this author, "S*** My Dad Says." The book started as a Twitter feed, became a best selling book, and then became a tv show staring William Shatner. A lot of this book is more "S*** My Dad Says" but there is a lot about the author's experiences in dating too.The advice and snippets that the author's dad actually says is awesome. It's so quick witted and funny, and most rings true. However, I think the snippets might be better as actual snippets, such as quick tweets, and one-liners. The rest of the book is only ok.I really don't like seperating books by gender, but I do think the book might appeal more to men than to women, especially softies like myself. Some of the book is just "TMI" for me personally. That's probably why I would have preferred just to read the snippets from Justin's dad. On the other hand, the book was a really quick read, and aside from a few cringe-worthy moments, I never really felt like I didn't want to finish the book.As much TMI as there was in the book (does anyone else find this happening a lot with memoirs?), the overall message of the book was very sweet and heart-warming. I think this was really the charm of the book.Overall, a great book for fans of the author's work, and for those who want to read more "S*** My Dad Says."ARC sent by publisher in exchange for honest reviewreviewed for http://inthehammockblog.blogspot.com

  • KOMET
    2019-01-28 05:30

    This was one of the funniest books I've read in a long time. It begins when the author treats his dad out to lunch and tells him he's decided to marry his girlfriend. His father's response:"You've been dating her for four years"..."It ain't like you found a parallel f--k-ng universe." The author's father goes on to advise him to take a day off and reflect on everything he's learned about women, relationships, and himself before coming to a decision. Thereupon the author takes us on a trip through different stages in his life from his childhood crushes to the night he lost his virginity while working as a dishwasher at Hooters. All in all, this is a hilarious and insightful book.

  • Abrar Shafie
    2019-01-30 05:27

    Justin is ridiculously funny. and a good writer, obviously. his writing makes the punchline even funnier.but enough with jokes.somewhere along the second-last and the last story, i secretly hope that he will find a perfect woman for his sake (and of course he did). And after finished reading it, I smiled and know that what he experienced is probably how most of us will go through (well, except having a bunch of "advises" from his dad).oh, only 3 stars because i prefer "Shit My Dad Says" than this one. it's not bad, though.*pardon my english.

  • Chipo
    2019-02-15 07:35

    Initially gave this a 4 because I love Justin's dad since Sh*t my dad says, and it's a good book. But realized a LOT is missing. What caused their big break up with Amanda? How did he resolve it enough to know she's the one? Or maybe that was besides the point of the book but I just wanted the book to be longer.Still hilarious though

  • Julianne Stueben
    2019-02-15 04:47

    I loved Shit My Dad Says and this was also pretty good! This was more stories rather than quotes like the first book but good nonetheless :) glad it ended well too

  • Not_Your_Typical_Lannister (Leslie)
    2019-01-29 03:34

    I really enjoyed this maybe even more than S--t My Dad Says. It is kind of a story telling of Justin's struggle with women though the years. I paid 5 bucks for it and I would do it all over again.

  • Utkarsh Kumar
    2019-02-05 00:38

    Short and hilarious. This book is an account of the dating history of the author and the second thoughts he had before proposing to his girlfriend of 3 years. Also added in are witty and sarcastic dialogues by his dad. It is also heartwarming to see the author stop trying to act and pretend to be cool but to learn to be comfortable being who he is, which is obviously cooler. Recommend for everyone, specially guys!

  • Krista
    2019-02-18 04:37

    I didn't read Sh t My Dad Says, mostly because I object to the coarsening of public spaces that results from seeing the title at the book store, and then in the TV listings. I'm not some total prude; I'm not offended by adults sprinkling their language with expletives in private conversation, but I don't want to hear (or see) that language at McDonalds with a bunch of kids running around. As a result, I had an idea that Justin Halpern's Dad was some kind of narrow-minded, foul-mouthed Archie Bunker that I didn't need to learn anything about-- and I admit I was guilty of the worst kind of prejudgement.I chose to listen to I Suck at Girls, just hoping for something light and funny. To my delight I discovered it to be a thoughtful, and very funny, look back on the author's experiences with girls, from his first grade crush to the woman he wants to marry. When his Dad appears in the book, yes, his language is foul, but his advice is sound and thoughtful and warm-- he obviously loves his son and wants the best for him.In one of my favourite scenes, a young Justin and a friend have braved their fears to explore the forbidden canyon beside the Little League field, and discover a "Hobo Cave" filled with dirty blankets, empty beer bottles and stacks of porn. The boys gather up all of the pictures they can carry and start running, but soon :There, hightailing it out of the canyon, came two bearded homeless men, each of whom looked like Nick Nolte rendered in beef jerky. As soon as I heard that description, I laughed, but then immediately felt kind of bad for laughing at homeless men-- which is, I think, the reaction I was supposed to have because when Justin's Dad discovers what he has done, he insists the first thing the boy needed to do was to return the pictures to the entrance to the canyon the next morning.“Why can’t I just throw them out? I don’t want to go back to the canyon,” I said. “Bullshit. Someone spent time collecting this shit. What if I threw out your baseball card collection? That wouldn’t be right.” I nodded. His analogy made sense to me, and suddenly I felt a twinge of remorse, having deprived those men of one of their few—and probably most prized—worldly possessions. I bent down and lifted the big wad of dirt-covered porno out of the hole. “Are you mad?” I asked, as I picked up the shovel. “Nah. I don’t think this even cracks your greatest hits of stupid. But there’s one important thing I need you to know.” I stopped shoveling and looked at him. He pointed at the pile of loose, grimy magazine pages on the ground. The Dad then explains that Justin needs to understand that real woman don't look like the women in those pictures and that real women won't do the crazy things depicted either. That these two important life lessons, respect for women and compassion for the less fortunate, could have been gleaned from such a bizarre situation gives me much respect for Sam Halpern as a father.And did I mention that the whole thing is really funny? Totally worthwhile experience

  • Larry H
    2019-02-05 08:45

    Building on the success of his Twitter feed, best-selling book, and short-lived television series, Sh*t My Dad Says, Justin Halpern is back to reflect on his lack of success with women, which he can trace back to an early age. When he takes his father out to lunch to confide that he is planning to propose to his girlfriend of four years, Justin's father replies (as only he can), "You've been dating her for four years. It ain't like you found a parallel f--king universe."Eventually, his father recommends that Justin take a day before proposing to reflect on his life, his relationships with women, and his future, to ensure he is making the right decision. Which leads him to reminisce a life lived both pursuing the attention of the opposite sex and fleeing it, from traumatizing a female classmate he liked by drawing her an inappropriate picture to stealing pornographic pictures from a cave where homeless people lived and burying them in his backyard, from being the last of his friends to lose his virginity to acknowledging the risks associated with actually committing yourself to a relationship. And of course, many of these vignettes are punctuated with advice or commentary by his always-to-the-point father.The adventures of the adolescent male approaching adulthood have been seen so many times before, in books, movies, and television shows. Parts of this book made me absolutely laugh out loud, but I realized that when Justin's father wasn't in the story, it felt much more like just another coming-of-age tale. And the interesting thing is that although I didn't read Sh*t My Dad Says, having seen commercials for the television show, I couldn't help but picture William Shatner every time Justin's father spoke, which almost made the story more amusing. Halpern writes in a very humorous and self-deprecating style, and this is definitely a fun and very quick read.Posted by LHH at 10:33 AM 0 comments

  • Susan
    2019-02-17 02:49

    I was happily surprised with this book, and in fact thought it was much funnier and better written than 'Sh*t My Dad Says'. It shows his gruff old geezer dead actually has a soft heart. When Justin told him he wanted to propose to his girlfriend, he had some great advice."I took a day and I sat and thought about all the things I had learned about myself, and about women, up to that point in my life. Just sat and thought.I may have smoked marijuana as well.Anyway, at the end of the day, I took stock of everything I'd gone through in my head, and I asked myself if I still wanted to propose to your mother.And I did. So that's what I humbly suggest you do, unless you think you're somehow smarter than I am, which considering you share my genetics, is unlikely.", he said, laughing as he sat back and took a big sip of Diet Coke. So Justin took his advice and thought back. He shares those hilarious memories with us in this book. And yes, Justin did indeed suck at girls. Here is one of his awkward opening gambits while trying to pick one up : 'I finally worked up the nerve to attempt a conversation with her. I was confident that I'd come up with a pretty solid opener.'"Have you ever taken a Flaming Hot Cheetos and dumped nacho cheese on them?""Yeah,it's good.", she said."Yeah."And that was it. He went dumb(er) and never did get up the nerve to ask her out. There are many very funny incidents he relates, some of which had me howling with laughter. I loved this book and recommend it to anyone with a sense of humor.

  • Eric
    2019-02-14 05:44

    3.5 starsA humorous account of a man's history of interacting with the female sex. From grade school to adulthood, Justin Halpern agonizes over the mysterious nature of girls. A number of years ago I read Shit My Dad Says and found that book to be hilarious and heartfelt in an unconventional way. In I Suck at Girls, the Dad's sage humor still figures prominently in the book. The book isn't a single story per se but a series of chronological stories exploring Justin's insecurity in talking to girls and the lengths he went through trying to get comfortable talking to girls. The proving his manhood by having sex with girls. Finally, how does one go about actually having a loving relationship with a woman?Many of the accounts are somewhat cliche to other coming of age stories I have read or seen in the movies. Others are genuinely funny. I found myself laughing throughout the book. There are some colorful characters throughout the book with my favorite being Vietnam Joe.I listened to the audio book and the narrator was a little annoying. He read so fast that I had to check to make sure I was listening to the audio at the right speed. Plus, he sucked at doing girls voices.These types of books are like a cleansing of the palate between books. Enjoyable and light!